so tonight...for the first time in a REALLY REALLY REALLY long time, i cried. thinking back to earlier tonight, i still dont really know why i did, or what instigated it. it was right after dinner, im talking to my parents, and my dad asked me what i was gona do with my life. and i told him that i didnt know...wherever God leads me. and he was like..."hahaha..good answer" but i dont think he meant it 100%. cuz after that, he started asking me questions and stuff...and it got me thinking...what the heck AM i doing???
then i raised up the possibility of becoming a full time staff worker for intervarsity...and my parents were like ok...so what/how would you fund raise? and i couldnt give them a confident answer...then my dad suggested seminary...but i told him there is no way i will go into church ministry...because of all the stupid crap and politics that happens...i explained to my dad why i hate it so much, because of what i saw when i was younger, what happened to my parents and how it just tore up the church, how it just didnt make any sense that it would happen in a church...and i got really angry thinking about all the crap my family had to go through and i started crying...-_-" at this point, my sister went downstairs to get her friend who was coming over to hang out a bit...man, was it embarrassing...lol
anywhos, so yeah,(im still crying) i was explaining to my dad how i felt about the church, and the reasons why i wanted to be a doctor, or go into some kind of professional career, so that i could avoid going into ministry..cuz i HATE it...but then my dad said that politics happens everywhere, no matter what the job is. i knew that, but i would expect in a "secular" setting? versus it happening in a church...[right after i said that, something i learned from basileia kicked into my mind. that it doesnt matter if its "secular" or "religious", God created it, therefore it is good]...then my dad encouraged me with what he held on to when all of this was happening to him...he mentioned that no matter what the situation is, God is always faithful to His servants. as long as we continue to obey Him, He will bring judgment to those that have sinned. and i knew that too, but i just couldnt stand how/why it happens in the churches today(im still crying)...then my dad said something else that i dreaded to hear..."maybe God is giving you these thoughts so you can do something about it"...that initially got me more frustrated, cuz i've felt that way all my life...at the same time, i asked back...maybe i have a problem? cuz i can never just be ok with how things are going...but my dad replied saying that it was better for me to find ways to improve and not settle...!)(@$&!#^%)!@$...GAHHHH -_-" i can never win against my dad...but yeah, so then he asked me have i thought about ministry work...
oh man...i know everyone has always joked bout how im gona be a pastor or staff worker or something along the lines of it...and i've ALWAYS replied..."heck no"...but at that point, i couldnt give that answer...even though i gave it to my dad like 10 minutes ago (i've started to calm down and stopped crying)...and at this point, i really dont know what im gona do...is going into ministry something that God wants me to do? or being IV staff? or maybe going back to pursue a "professional" career? man...why is life so complicated and confusing?
so i guess the purpose of this post comes to this...a prayer request to you all. I dont know exactly what to ask for as of right now, but im thinking along the lines of what does God want me to do for Him? if God speaks to you, please do not hesitate to let me know. i'll be praying too...aite, i shall go sleep, my bed is yelling out my name...nite-0
10 comments:
pastor tingson! haha. don't worry, people joke with me too. i've gone through a lot of that crap too with my family. it's a tough life. i don't know how our parents do it. but God will provide. look at me, i still don't know what i'm doing and i graduated! you still have some time to think about it. :D and yes, i'll be praying for you.
Hey Boaz =]
I was just reading today's daily bread and it talks about how King Solomon was frustrated and disappointed at how the people of his day failed to see justice. It says, "He saw that imperfect beings could never administer perfect justice."
There were also helping verses in there- (Eccl.3:16-17).
I hope summer is cozy and you're having a good time. I'll be praying for you Boaz!
YO! man... i feel bad now telling you about how my parents think. Honestly though Boaz, I'm not the slightest bit worried for you. God will provide and i have utmost faith that he's keeping you waiting a little bit but it's really up to his time in the end anyways! Aw, it's actually nice to see that you think/care about this sometimes =P Keep that positive attitude we all love about you! haha
-Your little sib =]
I just prayed. (sometimes I say I'll pray, but then I forget, so I though it would be good to get in the habit of praying before I tell people I'm praying for them.) My family is actually one of those that caused drama for our church leadership:(. On behalf of all those people, I'm really sorry that your family had to go through all that stuff just for obeying God. I prayed for neon signs. I'm not sure if you'll get them, but I always appreciate when God makes His will abundantly clear.
I have to admit though, I did pray for that neon sign to be IV. (I'm kind of biased)
Love you Boaz!
-Katy
i'll pray Boaz! don't worry, i probably cry a lot more than you. keep running the race, don't stop.
Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew
we should talk one day sir. there's some things you should know and i know i have much to learn from the great boaz :]
yo, it feels SOOOO good to cry. and i know it sometimes just happens. you've witnessed a few of them :P
oh and the whole no-such-thing-as-secular-and-sacred thing? i've been reminded of that numerous times since i've learned that @ basileia too :]
and i hear yah about never being able to win against your dad. i can never win against my dad, and i can never win against pam.
i know you're struggling through this, but as people have told me again and again and again, just keep praying. and look, you have me and a whole slew of brothers and sisters doing the same!
wow, you are totally not alone.
i feel like saying more, but i think that'll do for now. = )
and i'll be praying for you too.
:] boaz,
youre such an encouragement to me, all the time, even just seeing your silly smile makes me smile. i think i would have cried with you just cus i love it so much lol just kidding. but thanks for saying that its okay to cry.. it definitely is.
and i totally agree with gary, im not at all worried/frantically wonderin what God has in store for you.. partially cus i know itd be amazingg :P why would he give you anything less, right?
i really do hope he tells you soon, cus im sure he`s got it all planned out :]
oh boaz, lol i miss you xp
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